Thursday, January 24, 2008

THE DEPTH OF DARKNESS

I seem to be sitting and wasn’t sure except my sense of touch appeared to be returning. All I knew was that I was in some type of dark enclosure within a space I never knew. I tried to get up, but each time I attempted this, my legs would buckle from under me and so I would fall back to the same original spot of fear and the unknown. There was no orientation to Time, Place or Space.
My next attempt was to find something around me that might support my decision to try and stand. The outstretched hand of my arm began to scan the void around me for an object that might help. I still was unable to see within the darkness and still without any identity as to what my relationship to everything around me was. A total loss of the power of navigation, knowledge and control within time - space - object.
My hand felt an object that by touch resembled a broom. and began to feel hopeful that my sense of touch recognition was returning but still within a dark void.

I decided that I would attempt to use this broom-like object to help me stand upright, which it did. In reaching a different perspective, I saw what appeared to be small flickering slivers of light within the space I was in. The broom stick pole aided my walking to this light but I nevertheless banged my body into an immovable object which prevented my going further.

I felt my senses slowly returning minus of being cognizant of where I was other than it was a room. I slowly began walking in different directions at the same time using my sense of touch to try to find a source of light that would visually tell me where I was. The pain in my ribs and other places of my body no longer mattered, my attention was only to access light as well as understanding from all of this. Slowly and slowly I felt my presence returning even in the “dark pit” of who and what I was in relation to everything around me.
My hand then felt a smooth object that turned out to be my refrigerator door. I knew that upon opening this door a light would come on which it did.
Without going through the time wasted protocol of testing my blood sugar to determine if I was Hypoglycemic(like asking someone who has one leg, if they have difficulty in walking) and besides I could not even find it at that moment in time anyhow. What I did find when I opened the refrigerator door was a thankful recognition of where I was as well as much needed sweet juice on the inside which I quickly consumed.
It turned out that the slivers of light that I first saw, were the pilot lights on top of my stove which I was unable to recognize at the time in greater context.

This rescue made possible by the grace and power of a force that very few of us know, is a miracle. It puts into actual meaning what the Body and its relationship with Outside things are as well as the integration of Body-Mind-Spirit are all about. I was returning back into being aware of the moments(hours) before this occurred. Being in bed and drifting off within the realm of sleep in my bedroom until transported to a different room and space no longer recognized by me within the depths of unconsciousness.
The contusions and open cuts from my falling which later turn to scars(Physical/Emotional) are but added mementos to previous ones on this adventure in having T1DM.
Insulin is just a Bandage for this Disease since it is only being treated as a Symptom. It is much more than that. It (Diabetes) is an open wound that continues to bleed through the Bandage and in spite of it.

"I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am. Like a
newborn baby before it learns to smile, I am alone
without a place to go."

Tao Te Ching/Lao Tzu

5 comments:

Scott K. Johnson said...

Wow...

Great post.

Susan said...

I am glad that you came out of this horrible experience although scarred.
Those of us who have had severe hypoglycemic reactions can relate to what you have felt.
I empathize with you and agree that Diabetes is a complex disease involving more than just blood glucose numbers.
No one except a very few has actually addressed this problem in type 1 diabetes.
Thank you for sharing and bless you.

snd1590 said...

wow.. I'm glad you're ok after that, night time lows are always so scary.

Minnesota Nice said...

BetterCell - that describes it in a nutshell. I have never been unconscious from a hypo (that I know of) but have many times been at the point where if my brain were a yardstick there'd be just 1/16 of an inch thinking clearly - a tiny crumb screaming that something is wrong................horrible.

BetterCell said...

Yes Seonaid, you are right about Hypoglycemia during the night, especially if it is taking place while you are asleep as it was in my case.
It becomes a transition from the unconsciousness of sleep to the
depths of horror within the confines of Hypoglycemia and not knowing how you got there.

And yes, I did check my bs before sleep........it was normal.

Kathy that 1/16th of an inch from the Yardstick is SURVIVAL crying out..........sometimes that is all that is needed to make a difference between waking up or "going elsewhere."

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New York, New York, United States
I do not give up my Autonomy,especially to the Medical Profession. Passionate, Creative, Able to see Beauty within Simplicity, I Am Not A Diabetic, rather I have Diabetes (there is a big difference between the two on many levels).Type 1 Diabetes since 5 years of age. Belief in G-D